HRT High Ravens Tales

The Cairngorm Poo Project

A concise guide to walking the fine line between a two-day deferral and an outright fail on the MIC assessment at Glenmore Lodge.

By John Allen  MIA

Marmot clad smiling assassins poured into the meeting room. Firm handshakes followed, and so it begins. John Allen (bald, thin logbook),

Sandy Paterson (Scottish, thick logbook), Rob Johnson (bald, two thick logbooks plus a ringbinder of printouts from his ‘blog’ on www.expeditionguide.com ). Forecasts, order of the week and quite a bit about an imaginary dado rail followed. Apparently, because this is an assessment, we will all drop below the rail at some point, but should put it behind us and move on.

Quite concerned that I’d booked onto a DIY course by mistake, but doubts soon dispelled by the first day mountain journey. Coire Cas, cairn at 1141m, down to Windy gap, then descent below the Mess of Pottage – a long traverse to join Aladdin’s couloir at the dog leg, down the couloir, up the Goat Track half way, then out down the Coire an’t Sneachda path to the ski car park.

I was given two tasks to lead, using the other two candidates as mock clients.

What a clear brief for the first one. The top of the Coire Cas headwall was being used to mimic a gully descent, and my task was to get my clients down safely. I went for a peek over the edge. Looks OK, snap decision, short rope on, clients in series over the edge. Both Sandy and Rob looked a bit bemused. Overawed by my technical skills, probably, I smiled to myself. Obediently below they were, gazing up, when I slipped on the edge and had to scrabble hastily to regain purchase. George Mac at this point suggested a new COA (course of action).

The time taken to dig a bucket seat and fashion a snow bollard gave opportunity for critical self-evaluation. I was in freefall below the dado rail, wondering where I would land.

Task two for me – another descent to manage. This time two beginner clients with no crampons. My downfall this time was a tiny rock outcrop off to the left about five metres, and when I went to inspect it I found a super rock anchor. Problem was it was slightly down from the clients. Another snap decision – take a stance, they can traverse to me, I’ll kick huge steps for them, and then lower them off an Italian hitch. Both Sandy and Rob looked a bit bemused. Overawed by my technical skills, probably, I smiled to myself. Obediently they began to prepare to join me on my stance. George Mac at this point suggested a new COA (course of action).

The time taken to dig a bucket seat well above the two clients gave opportunity for critical self-evaluation. I had started to prise off the skirting board just above the carpet, seeking to expose some floor boards and knock a hole through to the floor below.

3.15am the next day. Still in bed in my luxurious South Wing room. Should I just go home? Leave a note with the nightwatch. Domestic crisis, death of a cherished pet, something like that.

Central Route right hand (two stars) IV,4, Creag Coire na Ciste, Ben Nevis,

Pitch 1, 11.25am, 8 degrees centigrade and the sound of running water on rhyolite. Carl the assessor and Alex the Lodge barman stanced below. The TV sized block (think 24inch screen) which I’d started to hook behind eased itself away from the surrounding damp turf. I got a hand to it and tried to push it back, to no avail. Shouted warnings, thudding and sparking gravity, arcing overhead, then stillness in the Ciste slush. Everyone ok? Ropes not cut. Gather thoughts, breathe deep, press on.

Thirty years mountaineering, first ever TV attack, is that a dado rail offence?

Orderly top out at 2.00pm, back at van for 4.00, Carl complimentary.. perhaps there’s still hope.

Sarah is Welsh, Daniel is from the North East, both late twenties and done quite a bit. Things like Summer ML, SPA  and, for Sarah, an imminent Winter ML assessment. Both had climbed summer HVS, some of it leading. I talked to them a lot, sort of chit chat, not much of it very to the point. Am losing the ability to think. At least that will stop me from making snap decisions.

What can I climb with them? Arriving in Coire an t’Sneachda we find about 45 people preparing to climb below the Central’s and Runnel area, hardly anyone on the left. So we head left, and get onto Jacob’s Right Edge, a pedestrian grade I/II. I even short roped them to the bottom.

 ‘John failed to recognise the true needs of his students’

Pitch 3 I self-lined and Sarah led on ground that can only be described as risibly easy. Sarah and Daniel were kind.

‘Inappropriate decision to self line on Grade 1 ground’  

My second bad day.

Fiacaill Couloir

On the final day a well-known local BMG guide invites Sarah on the lead to clip the single peg on which he is bringing up two rather hefty clients. She was short of runners at that point, but not that short, so I politely declined on her behalf.

We are in an atmospheric Fiacaill Couloir in grade III conditions (hooray, John starts to recognise some true needs). It’s snowing, and Danny took the first pitch. No ghost roping, just me soloing alongside and giving pithy tips. Sarah is then keen to take on the next pitch. There is flow but not anxiety and this is recognisably a great learning experience for both.

They go on to lead the whole route between them, and my emergency rope stays in the sac. Back in the corrie floor I got a one word 

comment – ‘excellent’.

I had decided to make my walk in more communicative today, and went for an environmental theme. Three types of lichen by the path were identified, two types of moss and the whole bell heather and ling thing got covered, before we moved on to the Cairngorm Poo Project. I fell into a reverie as we continued up the path. The Cairngorm Poo Project… not a bad name for my new guiding company. I could have a web link to Rob Johnson’s site, but mine would have a more faecal theme. I would even have a ready made, signed meeting point in the ski car park. I could advertise my workshop at the next AMI AGM …  ‘Coping with Failure and Rejection’. Only six spaces, first come first served, £25/head. Fully booked by November. 

Postscript: John Allen lives in Sheffield and works as a teacher.  He joined an MIC assessment course 16 – 20 Feb 2009 at Glenmore Lodge, and was deferred for two days – the mountaineering day and one student day. A number of logbook irregularities were also highlighted.

He is wholly in accord with this result, and would like to commend the assessor team for their professionalism, approachability and general good humour.